Huh.

I just realized that I don't want to do any of the jobs I'm qualified for.

sweetness and light.

Yes. Thanks to everyone who called or wrote.

Shout-outs?

First and foremost to K, who pointed out that even if I were old and ugly, there are worse things to be.* This cheered me up first because I realized that he was right, and second because I am happy to have the disposition that allows me to be cheered up by this, and third because I am happy to have such practical and level-headed friends who are also capable of being so very very un-level-headed, in the most inspiring, entertaining, thought-provoking ways.

Which leads me to T, or Pt., who works around the corner from me and whom I called to see if he wanted to meet for coffee around 2 this afternoon. He said he'd like to but didn't have time, but that I could get coffee and he could get coffee at the same time, and we could say hi. Which is an amusing new kind of social engagement. During this hi-saying, it became clear that he was in a movies-about-home-invasions phase, and I suggested that he have a movies-about-home-invasions film festival some weekend but not give an exact time, to which he responded that he should just have it at my place. Five stars to friends who are such agile idea-improvers. Also five stars to his lady S, who showed me jellyfish in the Boston Channel.

*It also struck me that the occasional old and ugly feeling is merely an environmental hazard of living in Boston, where an inordinate proportion of the half million residents are between the ages of 18 and 22 - and let's face it, if you're going to college in Boston and could have used orthodontics or the services of a dermatologist, it's likely that you had them.

so much for the icing.

1. I don't have a place to live in September. I can't afford to live alone. Apartments seem to keep getting yanked out from under me.

2. I am growing to really dislike my job and find that it requires some things that I'm just terrible at (managing large amounts of constantly changing data) and that, as at my old job, my writing is too "academic" or "existential" for what is required. I had an interview on Thursday for a job in a User Experience group that I really want, and I feel that I'm a great candidate for it, but I've had a lot of interviews and feelings and they didn't come with offers.

3. A co-worker, whom I really like, had a birthday party last night. First she, another co-worker and I met at an outdoor pub and had drinks and dinner, and were joined by her husband and a pair of their friends, and that was fun. But then we went across the street, to a sort of loungey bar (this is why I never go out in Boston proper), and a bunch more of their friends showed up, and because I had to go to an ATM first, when I arrived the only available seat was on the other side of the large area we had reserved, and no one talked to me. And then when people did talk to me, probably out of pity, I said weird things. And the whole night, I felt old and ugly.

4. P has started putting some of his things in boxes. I think that the separating of our stuff is going to make me really sad. I guess it's already started to.

my subconscious is such a dork.

You know that gray area between awake and asleep and back again? The other night I caught myself saying to me "Honey, life is a cupcake and neither one of us has any idea how much frosting is on it." This was said in the tone of voice that would imply that there was in fact a lot of frosting, and that it was positive.